Anyone who knows me, knows I can get myself into some trouble every now and again.  Trouble seemed to follow me after I signed four years of my life away to the governement.  From hopping barbed wire TJ border fences (with the scares to prove it), to hookin up with other consenting adults at the company Christmas party, it seemed bad shit just kept coming at me, and there was no way out. I mean, legally, I was an adult at 18 when I joined the service, but mentally, I was still a kid.  I was fresh out of high school, fresh out of my parents house and still trying to figure out who I was. 

Whatever, everyone goes through growing pains and I'm not sure of the military was the best place for me to experience all the shit that i did. I think they manipulate young kids and scare them into thinking that they have no other choice but to do what they military says or else your going to end up another bum on the street.  I mean its hard to say, but I think that all the stuff i got into trouble for in the navy really fucked with my head emotionally.  I find myself being timid and not really wanting to speak up for myself sometimes, just taking the shit that comes to me because that's what I was used to doing. 

Fast-forward, to present day, I was falsely arrested for some true to life bullshit you see in the movies. I'm not going to get into details, because I didn't do shit wrong.  Cops, took a look around my crib, took a look around who lived in the crib, took one look at me and put my ass in handcuffs. Like, on some CRASH, type shit.

I had to come out of pocket a grip of money for a bail bondsman and I was scared as shit.  I was sitting in a holding cell, like what the fuck just happened?  I'd been in jail before, a detainment, for being drunk in public (that's a whole other story, a pretty good one, too :) but like this was a for real arrest, like read me my rights, book-em dan-o, take a mug shot like OJ and Kobe type on my record shit.    At the time, I was hating the whole god damned world, I was like I hate this wack ass city, I was on a real racial rampage. I hate this person, i hate that person, all these muthfuckas are racist, sexists, whatever. Fuck-em all!

So, whatever, I was like let me just pay this shit off, do what I gotta do, and put it in my past and move on.  So, that's what I did, while I was on my last payment to do bitch ass bail bondsman that got me out of jail I got a letter from the bitch ass city of Chula Vista. It basically said...My bad, we messed up and uhh, well we shouldn't have arrested you. We are sorry you had to spend time in jail, so we are just going to call this a detainment.  Till next time, nigga!...

I was so happy, that mess wasn't going to be on my record, i got down own my knees and thanked the Lord, real talk.  I started cryin, i was so happy.

Fastforward once more, i got to apply to this VA hospital, they had to take fingerprints send them through the FBI service and make sure I was clean.  I was a little nervous, but after I got my name tag, i thought everything was kosher.  Well, Monday, they got my fingerprints back and guess what the fuck popped up, yep the muthfuckin arrest!!! that wasn't supposed to be on my record, THANKS CHULA VISTA PD, u lazy muthafuckers almost cost me my muthfuckin job. Of course, the Capt. of VA police and my boss didn't believe me when I told them it was only a detainment, but luckily I had that BS apology letter from the city in my car.  The Capt. was hella cool when I showed it to her, she said "in all my 20 yrs. of working on the force, i've never seen one of these letters, do you have a lawyer?"  "Do you know what this is, do you know what they did?"  She was shocked, and I was greatful, relieved, and pissed all at the same time.  I went into the bathroom, and again just had to thank the Lord, for covering my ass again.  I mean, this shit could have cost me my job, I eventually want to get a fed. job and if this shit is on my record, there's no way i'm going to be able to do the shit i want to. 

Well, basically, i'm tired of letting people of power just walk all over me, just cause I can't afford justice.  This type of shit happens all the time, and people without money get dicked over because they can't afford to fight the system. I got lawyer and i'm going to see if there's anything I can do to a. get that money back that i had to shell out to the bitch ass bail bondsmen - b. get that shit taken off of me record, for good -  c. Help other dudes that shit like this has happened to.

I've been posting mostly on myspace exclusively if your interested in checking them out hit me up here - http://www.myspace.com/tisaballer -- So far, so good on their no negativity spewing from the cyber idiots that lurk in the dark.   I started posting on their inital to covertly talk to this girl i was kinda dating and it worked. She got even more pissed off at me and quit talking to me-then she started talking to me again. Now, we aren't talking again. I think she's crazy, and I don't know what I was thinking.  

Anyway, I started shaving a couple of wks ago. Jamie got me "every man, jack" shaving cream, lotion, and face wash.  I heard that if i started shaving then it would grow back thicker, but honestly i don't see any damn changes. Jamie says she does, she says my thighs look smaller, and i smell different.  I DON'T SEE ANYTHING! Its kinda frustrating.  I still get "she'd"  for the most part people know i'm a guy.  They kinda pause and take a educated guess, it helps when i don't have a hat on, but even when i do surprisingly they say he.  i think my voice is still extremely high and that sometimes gives it away. but i had a conversation wit this one blk guy from work and we chopped it up for a good 15 or 20 minutes!!! I was stoked the whole rest of the day.

I stopped drinking and started running (again)  i do really well with running in the morning except when i spend the nite at jamies house.  And I've been doing that quite alot.  She says she's going to start distancing herself from me, but i don't really care, honestly, I'm just glad she's still down to cut, my sex drive is off the fucking radar.  I get really frustrated when jamie doesn't want to get down wit da get down, but i'm really trying to compose my frustrations.    

i've felt like the person i've been with was my everything and then what seemed like shortly after i've  been feeling like the very same person is nothing more than the average person. I've never had that feeling before.  I've been feeling lately like the person inside of me isn't black enough to fit it wit the black crowd, which i've felt quite often or the man i call terrance isn't man enough to fit in with the guys which is kind of a new experience for me but not so new that's its completly foreign. i know its cliche but it happens to be very true for me...what i've thought to be "normal" or comfortable doesn't seem that "normal" to me any more (what my normal happens to be anyway) and i don't like, i'm not happy with the way things are going.   

I happen to have to great girl who love me and cares for me and is willing to support me through this Awkward and uncertian journey i call my transistion and i'm still unhappy with her and i sometimes throw fits that make her life hell. i know i do----she cries because of me...i make her cry!! That's not the person i ever thought i'd become-i thought i'd welcome any and every person who cared for me as she does because i don't honestly think anyone has ever cared for me the same way that she does and i still act as if i'm an ungrateful un-appreciative pig who doesn't no any better. It honestly makes me sic-- it makes me sic to know that i actually have someone and am taking them for granted that she is a part of my life. How do I change?  I don't feel the same way as she does-----I'm confused---why don't i care for this woman as she does for me?  Why aren't I welcoming this open invitation to be loved and to love as if I've never loved b4? IDK


Yesterday, I was walking wit my girl and I walked past the chick I've been talking to while we were on our break.  The chick knew about jamie, and jamie knew about the chick, but she has never seen her, nor did i want them to interact so I threw up the dueces and kept on walking....well the chick i was talking to threw a freaking fit. She NEVER claimed me, she never said Terrance, I want to be your girl, despite my many attempts to make her mine. She's a wonderful and great woman I think we would have done very well together, we seem to have the same goals, we seem to like the same things the only hold up was that I have this    "attachement"... this person whom my heart belongs and can't seem to disassociate myself from.  I can't do it, i've threatned many of times and it always fails, i'm in love with her and there's no way around it.  This chick she's new and she doesn't understand me the same way jamie does, she doesn't know what i've been through, what we've been through together. she doesn't get how we are one and even if i tried to seperate myself from her we will always have special bond that no one can take away from us.  IT'S CRAZY i know--i can't explain it any other way. But this girl she has something special that I wish I could explore but I'm unable to and that's why i think marriage is a shame!  How can one dedicate there entire lives to one single person.  There has been to many people in my 24 years in exisistance that i've thought i've connected with and in 4 of those 24 i've  been unable to act on because i've been attached to someone and that means i'm "off the market" so to speak.  IT doesn't make sense and i won't become a apart of a something that NO ONE can explain to me logically.  

WHATEVER

i had an excellent time tonight at Kadan lots of ladies, lots of drinks, i had my girl there half the time and the other time i was socializing wit the crowd which is rare for me so it was good to finally get out out the house and come out of my shell a bit. 

Physically, i see no differences really - i'm thinking about going back to the clinic to up my dosage cause it seems to be lower than the other guys that I talk to so we'll see how that goes.  My car broke down AGAIN, its a '01 mits. galant and i've never had this many problems. I guess all the cross country road trips i went on are starting to take its toll my mr. bojangles (my car).  I'm kinda sad to say that if he doesn't pull through i'm going to have to get rid of him. I wanna get a bike, but my girl (yea, we are back together hopefully for the last time) doesn't like the idea- and it honestly doesn't seem like the most logical decision either seeing as to how my sis, and mom sometimes use my ride.  The whole car fiasco is driving me mad. I just through down a g to have the damn thing fixed last week, and this week it turns around and does the exact same thing. I'm not one to go off on things like this, but i can't just through away money like i used to anymore. I'm trying to save up for my top surgery, pay off my school bills, save money for when shit like this happens again. its damn near impossible to do!

I start school back up on the 17th -  and i can't wait! I'm studying computer networking. But its not really passion of mine but it is very reliable...starting to think twice about the decisions I'm making for myself. 

I'm frustrated!